


Letters Unsent

by AlexBarton



Series: Adventures in Karamore: The Cardinal Locks [15]
Category: Dungeons & Dragons (Roleplaying Game), Dungeons & Dragons - All Media Types, Karamore - Fandom
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Epistolary, Karamore, M/M, Mention of Canonical Character Death, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-11-04
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:47:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 7,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27381421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexBarton/pseuds/AlexBarton
Summary: Dorian used to write letters to Cassidy while on his travels. He can't bring himself to stop now that Cassidy is gone.Karamore was created by the amazingly talented CaptainMorgan.Based on our D&D escapades.
Relationships: Dorian Pappas/Cassidy Conley
Series: Adventures in Karamore: The Cardinal Locks [15]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1488608





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [CaptainMorgan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainMorgan/gifts).



> This will get updated as we continue on through the campaign.
> 
> Yes, Cassidy is dead. For now. Dorian is working on it.
> 
> Λιακάδα μου = my sunshine (Dorian's nickname for Cassidy)  
> καρδιά μου = my heart (another term of endearment)

Cassidy,

You’ve been gone for less than a day and yet it feels like I won’t be able to breathe normally ever again.

I’m so sorry. This was all my fault.

I should have never comm’d you, should have never gone back. My life in exchange for yours, and I really thought that I could have both without any consequences. 

I keep going over what I could have done differently the second time around. But I should have never had a second time around. You were alive the first time and I should have left it there. But I was selfish and greedy. And now you’re dead because of me.

I never got to tell you that I love you.

I should have told you sooner. 

I’m sorry.

Dorian


	2. Chapter 2

Λιακάδα μου,

I spent the night in the library. I couldn’t go back to my room with all of your things still there as if you were going to walk in at any second. 

Kaspar says there might be a way to bring you back. I’m sure you’d be frowning at me if you were here, as his next words were that it was “extremely dangerous and probably illegal.” I don’t care though. I would do anything to get you back.

Malamail stopped by, and both Valarie and Kis tried to talk to me about my feelings. I wish they’d all go away. They don’t understand. Not really.

Everyone is being so nice. It makes me want to scream. 

I wish I could tell them. I wish they would hate me and tell me it was my fault. I deserve _that_ , not the quiet grief they tip toe around me with.

I’m so lost, Cassidy. I don’t know where to go from here.

Before, when I was in jail, Kaide asked me why I did it. I told her that I hadn’t thought about what would happen after. The irony of the situation is not lost on me.

I feel like a moon spinning around a void where the sun once was, continuing on because I don’t know how not to.

I asked Josef to kill Tetis for me. I wrote to Pear. I’m spiralling and I don’t know if it’s going to get any better. How can it, when you’re still gone.

I still haven’t slept, but I think Kis might make me soon.

Maybe I’ll wake up and this will all be a bad dream, and you’ll still be alive.

I love you.

Dorian


	3. Chapter 3

Cassidy,

You were still gone when I woke up from my nap. I guess my nightmares have become reality.

Kis forced me to eat dinner, so we made the harissa chicken dish that made you cry from how spicy it was. Josef and Kaide were perfectly fine, but watching Valarie struggle through it did make me chuckle. Kis is a good kid. Sometimes.

She misses you too, you know. I can tell that it hit her hard. I wish I could offer her some comfort, but I can’t seem to do much at all right now. I’m glad she has Valarie.

I’ve been thinking about going back to Portcost. I don’t really know if I can stay with the Locks. They don’t know what I’ve done, and I can’t tell them. 

Maybe.

Maybe I should just let my father perform the ritual.

I could forget all this pain. 

But I’d forget you too.

And I would rather remember you with all the pain that it brings than forget even one second.

Your funeral is tomorrow. I’m still having trouble processing the fact. 

Please, I know I’ve asked so much of you, but please, if you could do this one last thing for me, please, when when I wake up, be there next to me?

I love you.

Dorian


	4. Chapter 4

Cassidy,

Your funeral was lovely, as far as such things go.

I couldn’t really tell you much of what was said, but it’s finally sinking in that you’re gone.

I didn’t stay for the whole service, I couldn’t. It hit me that you weren’t coming back and that your closed coffin was my fault, and I couldn’t keep it together.

I guess I always thought that no matter what separated us, we’d always find each other again. I know I was gone from Myer more often than not, but you were my one constant, my guiding star when I was lost at sea. Every day I was away, I thought of you, wishing you were with me on my adventures. Now I wish that I had spent more time in Myer just to be with you.

I finally burned down the warlock’s place. I should have done that when you found us out there the first time. 

I can’t bring myself to go back to the Bird House. Elijah asked Josef to train him in swordfighting, and he’s using Blightbreaker. So I’m sitting at your grave, writing this. How ironic that we can finally spend time together now, when you’re dead.

Please come back. 

I love you.

Dorian


	5. Chapter 5

Λιακάδα μου,

Your mother came over for dinner today. She told us stories about your childhood. I wish you were here to laugh at them with us.

The past few days have been a bit of a blur, like I’ve been in a haze. Kis is worried about me, but I can’t bring myself to care about anything anymore.

Josef wants us to take a trip to Vollun, get out of the city for a bit. I can’t say that it’s a bad idea, but the concept of going anywhere is just too much. It’s been three weeks since the funeral and I barely leave my room or the library. Maybe it would be good for me to get some fresh air.

I haven’t heard anything back from Pear, but that’s not unexpected. Perhaps I can talk to Yubalos when we go to Vollun.

I’m going to find a way to bring you back. 

I love you.

Dorian


	6. Chapter 6

Λιακάδα μου,

Yubalos was as helpful as usual, which is to say cryptic as ever. About the only straightforward thing she had to say was that going after Tetis would not be very wise. I can feel you nodding your head vehemently in agreement.

We happened to be in Vollun for their celebration of life for all those who have passed on. I mostly stayed away from the festivities. I can’t help but remember when we were here together. That was so long ago, and yet it was only five or six months ago.

I feel like such a burden to the rest of the group. I can’t focus, can barely be around other people, can’t sleep. They would be better off without me. 

The idea of leaving keeps popping up in my mind, but where would I go? I don’t really have a home anymore. You were my home.

 ~~Was I yours? I never got to ask.~~

I wish you would come back home to me.

I love you.

Dorian


	7. Chapter 7

Cassidy,

Boralus showed up today as we were leaving Vollun.

Apparently Josef kills Pear in the future. 

But, the important thing is that my letter to Pear showed up in the future instead of reaching the Pear of my time. I’m not quite sure how that happened. Boralus said he’s going to find our Pear and he’d deliver my letter, so perhaps I’ll have an answer on how to bring you back soon.

Boralus says that I would have better luck going back in time if I appeal to Zonos or use a Wish spell, and that my best chances for the latter are on Apoth or Zauera. Personally, I think I’ll go with Zauera. I’ll have to talk to Sorrice or Cairo about it.

Oh. Another important thing. Apparently Arkos’ armour pieces aren’t the only things we need to fight off Ngaelos. Boralus mentioned that he’s been looking for the armour emblem. Supposedly it’s on another plane, but he hasn’t been able to find it yet. Just one more thing to keep an eye out for, like we don’t have our hands full already.

I’ll let you know as soon as I hear back from Pear.

I love you.

Dorian


	8. Chapter 8

Λιακάδα μου,

I’m sitting at your grave again, reading. It’s the kind of thing I used to wish we could do, before - just spend time together. 

I never truly appreciated how much you understood my love of reading. I mean, you weren’t even mad when I started wandering in Cairo’s library instead of making out with you. I think I made it up to you later though.

I’m trying to do as much research as I can on both Apoth and Zauera. Knowledge is power, or something. Both places seem to be dangerous in their own way. I can just imagine your sigh of exasperation. I promise to try to be careful.

Aside from my own personal goals in going to the other continents, we  _ do _ still need to find the other armour pieces, so we’ll have to set out soon.

As odd as it sounds, it feels like even Ngaelos knows that something has happened. There haven’t been any unusual reports coming in, that I know of at least. It’s relatively calm. 

As always, I wish you were coming with us, wherever we end up going. Although, that sentiment is a little different now.

I’ll come visit you when we get back, okay?

I love you.

Dorian


	9. Chapter 9

Λιακάδα μου,

I have news.

First, a complaint. I truly don’t know why I even bother with this whole “democratic” choice thing with the Locks. Kis and Elijah will vote against me out of spite every time.

Yes, we’re going to Apoth first.

I went by Kaspar’s to return his books and he asked me for soil samples from the cursed continent. Sometimes I wonder at my choice in friends. Perhaps it’s just me - I’m sure you’d agree with that; Kis would too.

We stopped by Brackenstead. Angela is well, though she is also grieving for you. She also adores Valarie, and I wish you could have been there for their meeting.

We’re spending the night in Osten and we’ll join Captain Fox on the _Rising Hangman_ in the morning as we set out for Apoth.

Ket’Ateph is sad that you’re gone. I don’t think he quite understands what happened, but it’s almost relieving to have someone else in my head to keep my thoughts from spiralling. 

Except for Elijah, we’ve all gone down to the lab inside the octopus statue to camp out and sleep, and I can’t help but think of all the things I never got to show you. Ket’Ateph, Etos, the Ait - all of my travels are really for naught because I didn’t get to share them with the one I love.

Sorrice and I had words, as per usual. As much as we don’t see eye to eye, the relief that _someone_ knows what actually happened with the lich, the knowledge that it’s Sorrice who knows - well he’s always been brutally honest with me. Not that I didn’t deserve it this time. 

He did have some interesting insight though. He figured out that I’m trying to find a way to fix my mistake and - after admonishing me for it - said that it’s not _my_ choice to bring you back, that you have to be willing. A valid point, and one that, for all my studying, I had overlooked. Sorrice did suggest that I go to the Uhomao temple on Zauera before making any decisions. Apparently I can speak with you there. 

Despite his usual scolding, I feel - better? At least as if I have a purpose again. Admittedly, getting you back will be difficult, but I have a first step.

Now I just have to survive Apoth and make it to Zauera.

Ket’Ateph is telling me to go to sleep, so I suppose I’ll listen for a change.

Goodnight Cassidy, I love you.

Dorian


	10. Chapter 10

Λιακάδα μου,

I had an interesting, yet frustrating, conversation with Pear just now.

I asked him if it was possible to learn how to time travel. He was rather amused by the question, as you’ll no doubt remember that I have been very insistent that such magic is impossible. 

He said I’d have to appeal to Zonos himself, just as Boralus said. However, he did give me more information on how to do so: I have to planeswalk to the Astral Sea and take an astral dreadnought to Zonos’ realm.

The Astral Sea is, of course, incredibly dangerous. And it’s not so much that I’d be altering the events that have happened, but that I’d be skipping to a diverging timeline where I never said yes to Tetis. Presumably, that means I’d be on Baeris, but that is a problem for later.

I’m sitting in the crow’s nest now, keeping an eye out on the sea and writing to you. I have missed the ocean. There’s something about her that calls me home.

I know we went to Portcost together, however briefly, but I wish I could have taken you there and shown you around, shown you  _ my _ Portcost. Despite the fact that I was literally on another continent half the world away, I could have kissed you when you suggested that we take a few days to visit.

Come back, and I swear I’ll take you there. I don’t care about my parents. We can go back.

I’ll take you everywhere. Anywhere you want.

I love you.

Dorian


	11. Chapter 11

Λιακάδα μου,

We’ve been at sea for a week, and I think we’ll be reaching Apoth in a few days.

I have to admit, being back on a ship is keeping me busy, and it might be a good thing. I haven’t had much time to write to you, but that also means I haven’t been wallowing in my thoughts.

I’m a little nervous about getting to Apoth. We just lost you. It’s dangerous there, and I can’t lose anyone else.

If you can hear me where you are, please watch over us.

I love you.

Dorian


	12. Chapter 12

Λιακάδα μου,

We are spending our second night in Apoth camped in a haunted desert, and let me tell you, I hate it here with every fibre of my being.

I just woke up to see an apparition of a grotesque face above me, staring right at me. No one else saw it, of course, and they don’t understand why I’m so upset. _Yes_ , seeing the phantasm was unsettling, but it shouldn’t have been there, and I don’t mean that in the context of normal continents. I cast both _Tiny Hut_ and _Alarm_ before I went to sleep, which means that not only should it have not been able to cross the barrier into the _Hut_ , but it should have also tripped my _Alarm_ spell. I do not like this place at all.

Not to mention, when we got here we had to swim ashore because the _Hangman_ wasn’t light enough on the draught to get us close to the beach without being stuck until the next tide.

Josef managed to get us shelter with the Bellow Bows, the local tribe here on the Mad Strand, so we slept in their camp, which was in the hollowed out skeleton of a dragon. It was rather unnerving, even for me. Even worse, I kept hearing noises outside, but when I looked, there was nothing there. Apparently this is a common phenomenon here. The book I read on Apoth - a travel inventory journal of sorts, coincidentally written by some mercenaries we met while on our travels - also made mention of the Sounds. They are accurately named.

We are almost to Madfoot Guard, but we had to stop to make camp while we are still in the Blank Quarter. Thus far we have not run into the Sand Crawlers, the local tribe that inhabits this area, which is good, as Tobin’s journal mentions that they are hostile. We have, however, seen several apparitions and heard the Sounds again. I cannot wait to be off this continent.

I know I told you that I’d take you everywhere if you came back, but I think we should skip this one, καρδιά μου.

Again, if you’re watching over us, please look out for Valarie. She seems to be suffering more than the rest of us with this heat, though I am doing the best that I can to keep her cool.

I’m going to try to get back to sleep now.

I love you.

Dorian


	13. Chapter 13

Λιακάδα μου,

I know I’ve expounded upon the fact that I hate this continent, but it seems that things can only get worse.

We spent a night in Madfoot Guard and set out to Festerfall this morning. Once again, the oppressive heat was almost unbearable and there was a distinct feeling of being watched. At one point, the ground beneath our feet started to shift and move. We had seen a giant worm in the Blank Quarter previously, so we ran, thinking that it was about to erupt from the sand. All of a sudden, the shifting stopped. I still don’t know if it was real or an illusion.

Towards dusk, we came upon an abandoned village in the foothills of an outcropping of mountains in the middle of the Blank Quarter. There were a few clay and stone huts left standing, so I cast _Tiny Hut_ to let Valarie get some rest. We picked up some herbs in Madfoot to help with the environment of Apoth, and one of them is called Shadowfell Sage. It reduces fevers but also puts you into a deep sleep. Valarie has been using it for the past two nights and it seems to be helping her.

You must be thinking, well that doesn’t sound _too_ bad. As I said, it gets worse. 

On the walls of the various huts were riddles. Our group of _geniuses_ figured them out, and that led to an underground dwelling of a creature named Each. Later at night, he came aboveground, hideously disformed, and we had to fight him. I don’t know what kind of creature he was, but I feel somewhat bad for him.

I am particularly peeved with Kis and Elijah though. As Valarie had already taken the Shadowfell Sage and was asleep, and I had already cast Magic Hut, I elected to stay with her when the others went to explore Each’s house (before we fought him) but I gave them Ziggy and blinked into her senses to stay with them. They were all talking with Each, and Kis came back to carry Valarie down with them and just left me sitting there, blind and deaf, alone in the _Hut_. I don’t know how long they would have left me there if Josef hadn’t said something about it. 

I know Kis is mischievous, but I really expected better from Elijah. Sometimes - sometimes I really wonder if I belong with this group. If it wouldn’t be better if I left.

We’re spending the night in Each’s house, now that he’s gone. How macabre. Please watch over us so nothing else happens as we sleep.

I love you.

Dorian


	14. Chapter 14

Λιακάδα μου,

Well. It seems we all slept rather poorly and had odd dreams. 

I dreamt of being trapped in an hourglass and getting buried by the sand. Rather an ominous portent, considering that I’m trying to go back in time and fix my mistake.

We ran into a local folklore figure known as the Bone Collector today on our way to the Banewood. It was both a tall creature made of wood and a completely white child with a red handprint on its forehead, riding on an ibex creature. I gave it some of the gnoll teeth from Addersfield - gods that was so long ago, before I even knew you - and it gave me a large circular piece of black silk. The silk has some sort of magical energy, but I can’t quite tell what it is.

Remember how I said that things only get worse here? Yes? Well, that’s still holding true.

As we made camp in the outskirts of the Banewood, Valarie confided in me that she’s hearing things - things that aren’t there, things that the rest of us aren’t hearing. I tried to tell if she’s being influenced magically, but found nothing. I’m worried about her. The good news is that when she’s in the _Tiny Hut_ , she doesn’t hear anything. I’ll have to keep an eye out for her, and I’d appreciate it if you would too.

I need to get some rest, as much as I can in this unsettling forest.

I love you.

Dorian


	15. Chapter 15

Λιακάδα μου,

We’re all still having odd and unsettling dreams.

Last night, when I was able to sleep, I dreamt that I was back in the gladiator arena on Etos, where we fought Josef and he broke my nose. But when my opponent came out, it was me. I have a sneaking suspicion of what it means, but I don’t particularly want to acknowledge that I’m at war with myself.

Of course, I didn’t get much sleep other than that bit with the dream because my _Alarm_ spell was going off all night. When the _Hut_ dissipated, there were bootprints and hoofprints all around its perimeter. Needless to say, I have been rather cranky all day.

The Banewood is a rather dismal and dim place, like it’s bathed in eternal dusk. Even worse, there was a tangible sense of dread and “wrong” that followed us for much of the day, similar to the Gloom back in Delar Shan’Thalas. 

I wish you were here, not only because I miss you terribly, but also because I always felt safe around you. I’m so tired of having to be the strong one, having to keep it together and look out for the younger ones.

We came across the local tribe of the Banewood, the Long Walkers, and they’ve graciously agreed to let us spend the night at their camp. It’s a relief, as they have powerful warding up to protect their camp and that sense of “wrong” is gone now. I do wonder that the rest of the Locks can’t sense it - that’s how powerful it is. 

The Long Walkers did tell us of several of their traditions and stories, all of which are fascinating. First, there are little twig and twine dolls that move around the forest that guide them to safety. That’s how we found the camp. Second, the Bone Collector used to be one of the Long Walkers. Their name was Tutka, and they heard the Sounds and made a deal with a demon to be rid of them. Valarie, of course, was not pleased to hear this. Keep an eye out for her, yeah?

Lastly, the Long Walkers have explained that their mission is to help souls that have escaped Festerfall to pass on. They only help those souls that enter the Banewood, but the concept does have interesting implications re: the issue with King Galen and the elven Impressions. I’m going to write to Emmyth and Cairo about it. Perhaps that can help improve human-elf relations. Be proud of me, I’m rehoming yet another creature - although I don’t know that lost elf souls count as creatures exactly.

I am rather exhausted between getting no sleep last night and walking through the forest all day, so I’ll say goodnight here.

I love you.

Dorian


	16. Chapter 16

Λιακάδα μου,

So much has happened today.

I awoke feeling rested for the first time in a while. Whatever the warding surrounding the Long Walkers’ camp is, it is something to marvel at. I spoke with the two Sages of the tribe, and they said that their magic is passed down generationally from ancestors who were apprenticed to the gods, which I find absolutely fascinating. They also told me that the piece of black silk the Bone Collector gave to me is known as a Well of Many Worlds. Perhaps it’ll be easier to get to Zonos’ realm than I expected.

We left the camp early, wanting to get to Festerfall in the sunlight. On our way through the forest, we came across a dog holding a stick and wagging its tail, wearing an ornate red collar. I, of course, was suspicious, but we followed it to a clearing. It started digging, so we helped it, and we found the body of a small girl holding a leash that matched the dog’s collar. She seemed to have died from suffocation not long before we had come upon her body, but we didn’t pass anyone in the forest. Even more unsettling, when we turned around, the dog was gone. We buried her and Elijah said a few words, but we had to continue on. I can’t help but to think that we could’ve been on Zauera and then we wouldn’t be in this mess.

As we came to the treeline, which ended very abruptly I might add, we noticed seven creatures “on patrol” ahead of us on the cracked and blackened plain. Fortunately, _they_ did not notice _us_ standing in the treeline, so we were able to make it close to the fortress before we were spotted by a wraith guard of sorts. It was quickly joined by another wraith guard.

We were not faring well in the fight. And I used Necromancy in front of Elijah. There. I’ve said it. For all my studying of Evocation, I have a natural affinity for Necromancy. Remember what I told you about my father being from Baeris originally? Yes, well, apparently the talent is hereditary.

At any rate, one of the spells I cast was a bit too loud, as it attracted the attention of a Harvestman. Elijah cast his _Guardian of Faith_ spell, and where before it was a rather formless mass of light, it now took your shape. I must admit, it hurt. I still don’t know whether or not I’m mad at Elijah for it.

I ended up getting Poisoned in the fight, and after we had killed all of the creatures, Elijah healed me without thinking. After he realised what he had done, he became extremely angry and refused to speak with me. 

As we were pretty tapped out from the fight, I cast _Tiny Hut_ so we could get some rest, but Elijah almost refused to come into the building. Josef eventually convinced him to, but we are staying on opposite sides after exchanging some harsh words.

I knew this day would come again, as much as I tried to prevent it, but I can’t say it hurts any less than the first time. 

I know you’d agree with Elijah, and that hurts too.

I love you.

Dorian


	17. Chapter 17

Cassidy,

I had to wake up to recast _Tiny Hut_ so we can stay hidden while we rest until the sun comes up, and everyone else is still asleep. I think it’s time I tell you the truth.

When you arrested me, I knew there was no going back. I was ready to stop running. It hurt more than you know to break your trust in me. I know that you can’t trust me anymore, truly I do, so please trust me when I say that if I hadn’t used Necromancy you would have died. I know this with every fibre of my being, without a doubt, with crystal clarity that my words are true. Because you did die.

I meant every word I said at the trial. I didn’t want to use Necromancy, but I would do it again to save my family and you. 

You, the man I love.

That night, after the verdict had been read, Tusmjir came to visit me. Oh, yes, I follow Tusmjir. Yet another thing you can hate me for. She offered me a second chance to go back and change things, not only in the fight but to also change how Necromancy is viewed.

And I run from my problems. 

So I said yes.

I found myself back at the barn in the middle of the same fight against the lich. I don’t know if you even remember, but I missed my _Chromatic Orb_ shot - something that rarely happens. That was the tipping point, the first change in a cascade that ended in your death. I didn’t cast any Necromancy that second time around. 

I was scared. 

I thought I could have it all. 

But the price of my freedom was your life, and I regret making that choice every second. I would happily trade my freedom, trade my own life even, for your life.

Elijah didn’t have any diamonds to bring you back, and I was low on magic and thus unable to cast the spell that would preserve your body so we could perform the spell later. It didn’t even matter that such spells are Necromancy, and would have surely revealed my secret just as much as before. I would have done it for you if I had been able to.

I sat there, holding your body, and across the field I saw my goddess. Only she wasn’t my goddess. As I watched, Tusmjir’s form shifted to that of Tetis. I had been tricked. Oh I was indeed free, but the cost was too high, and you were still dead in my arms. I don’t know how long I sat there, screaming my grief to the sky. 

Sorrice knows. He’s the only one that knows. I think Kaspar has worked some of it out, but not the whole truth. 

And now you know. 

Now you know why this is my fault, beyond the fact that I called you and told you about the situation. 

I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving you, but I can certainly understand if you don’t feel the same way anymore.

Dorian


	18. Chapter 18

Λιακάδα μου,

Today has been full of awful and disgusting things, and I am exhausted.

We’re back in the Banewood, and we have the Breastplate. That’s about the only good thing I can say right now.

At sunrise, we finished crossing the plain to Festerfall. Guarding the drawbridge were two more Harvestmen. I truly had no idea how we were going to get by them, but Josef took them on his own, allowing us to get into the fortress. 

The fortress itself was eerie and unnerving, made of a dark metal with no lights anywhere. We found the armour piece relatively easily - it lit up the place with magical energy when I was searching for it. As we came to the centre of the fortress though, it seemed hollow with various levels of catwalks and metallic sounds that could perhaps be machinery.

The Breastplate was guarded by a creature that I’ve never seen before. If my memory serves me, it looked what I imagine a broodmother would be, based on the descriptions I’ve read. It was absolutely vile. It poisoned the air around it, and there were a few moments where I was sure one of us wouldn’t make it out alive. We did though, and we got the Breastplate.

From there, we had to decide quickly how to proceed. I think I surprised Elijah by insisting that he and Kis use magic to get out, as a safeguard to protect the Breastplate. It’s amusing, yet frustrating at the same time. I may use magic he disapproves of, but I am altruistic - and pragmatic - enough to see that the Breastplate should be our highest priority. Regardless, we did split up for a brief time, but we all made it out of Festerfall in one piece.

We almost didn’t make it back to the Banewood. As we were retreating across the plain, two titan wraith guards attacked us. We are now resting in our camp, and I wish I could say that we were done for the day, but no. Elijah is avoiding me as much as possible, but I overheard him telling the others of a skeletal horse he saw made of human bones. Kis and Josef went hunting and came across the spirits of three adventurers - and then a few feet ahead, came across their bodies.

Worst of all perhaps, is that I’m changing. Kaspar warned me that using too much Necromancy causes the caster to turn into a lich. Apparently part of my hair has gone white. I’ve noticed my irises getting darker as well, no longer the pale blue-grey that reminds me of Portcost. I don’t think any of the rest of them know what it means. Certainly Elijah would have used it as an excuse to attack me if he did. Not that it stops him from attacking me verbally now.

I am so very tired, Cassidy.

I keep telling myself that I don’t have to go down this path, but I feel that circumstances are forcing my hand. When does it all stop? Can I stop? I don’t even know anymore. 

I’m afraid I’m losing myself.

~~ I’ve been losing myself since you died. ~~

I should get some rest. It’s been a long day.

I love you.

Dorian


	19. Chapter 19

Λιακάδα μου,

I have been outvoted yet again. 

With the Breastplate safely in our possession, I thought it prudent to get off the continent so we could put it somewhere safe. Alas, it was not to be. Elijah insisted on going to the Bitter Split and Fellfront for Garren, the dragon who lives on the Ait I was telling you about. 

Fortunately, we’ve found a shortcut of sorts through the Fireside Crags. The tribe who lives here, the Red Song, has a network of tunnels under the Crags that protect from the insufferable heat as well as the random fire eruptions.

We’re spending the night in one of the caverns of these tunnels, and it seems like a decent place to rest. 

I talked to Sorrice just now, and he - of course - is not thrilled with me. I told him that Elijah knows and I think if I had been in Osten he would have slapped me across the face. Sometimes I do wonder why I still talk to him. But if I didn’t then it would be much harder to get to Ket’Ateph. Yes, yes, priorities.

I really do miss you, καρδιά μου. 

More than anything I wish I could call you and hear your voice, if only to hear you scolding me for taking unnecessary risks or antagonizing people who I should leave alone.

I suppose I’ll have to content myself with thinking of you as I fall asleep.

It’s not the same.

Good night, Cassidy.

I love you.

Dorian


	20. Chapter 20

Λιακάδα μου,

I am very unsettled.

I just woke up from a shared dream of sorts, but it wasn’t like the ones I’ve had previously. We were in a study with a fireplace and numerous shelves with books. There was a desk and an odd grandfather clock, which I’ll come back to. None of us could speak, and so none of us could cast anything. 

Being the curious wizard that I am, naturally I went to look at the desk to see if there was anything that could give me a clue as to our location. There were several items, but only a few seemed to be in focus, as it were. There was a wanted poster for a man named Silas Falloguard, whom I vaguely remember being an infamous name from somewhat recent Amercean history. There was a book titled  _ Undocumented Travels of the Wandering Isle _ and a journal that I couldn’t open. Most concerning, however, was a piece of paper with a list on it of the following items:

  1. The Ivory War
  2. The War of Horrors



You will, no doubt, recognize that the Ivory War and the War of Horrors are other names for the Calamity and the Clamour, respectively. I’m concerned that we are in or about to be in the third war. There seems to be an uncomfortable amount of similarities between the events of then and now. This Silas fellow went missing after stealing the Light of Atnos from Myer, supposedly. These events heralded the Clamour. Now Sorrice’s friend Calcitro has gone missing, and we have reason to believe that he is trapped on Ngaelos. Not to mention the issues with the Bubbling Black that have been occuring, at increasing frequency.

We managed to escape the “dream” via the grandfather clock - Kis stopped the pendulum and we all woke up. All of us wanted to move on quickly, so we reached the beginnings of the Vile Mire fairly early in the day. Of course, then we had to decide if we wanted to go in a more northern direction via Poison Soil or a more southern direction via the Grand Rest Burial Grounds. Again I was outvoted, so we are spending the night in an abandoned temple and graveyard in Poison Soil.

Elijah made some unsavoury remarks regarding my character and the temptation of going through a massive burial ground, which I did not appreciate. I have raised the dead only once, and it technically never happened for them, so I do wish they’d stop with the insinuations that I’m one second away from desecrating an entire graveyard with a host of zombies and ghouls at my bidding.

We did get to meet one of the Solar Stands. Tobin’s journal had mentioned that it was unknown if they were friendly or hostile, but this one, Ruven, seemed relatively neutral. They did warn us of the Rot Rats, the tribe who roams the Vile Mire. Apparently they became undead due to the contaminated water. What a cheery thought. Ruven also mentioned a place called the Ziggurat of Vazghun in the southwest portion of Apoth. The cultists there worship Vazghun, the Crawling King, and are attempting to bring him to our plane. This is concerning, especially considering that we already have an evil entity trying to break through to Karamore. We don’t need a second one, or - gods forbid - Ngaelos piggybacking on a rift that the Crawling King opens.

I’m going to attempt sleeping now. I hope there are no more dreams; I’m getting rather tired of them.

I love you.

Dorian 


	21. Chapter 21

Λιακάδα μου,

This continent keeps getting worse.

First we came across a river with acidic water strong enough to disintegrate a stick. Truly I wonder, what could the gods have against this place to have cursed it so? Then, we eventually came upon the Bitter Split. You know how much I hate snow, and this place has an icy lake as far as the eye can see.

We’re spending the night in the village of Hartenstock in the foothills, but it is completely abandoned. Now, this is Apoth, so who knows what kinds of things happen here, but Tobin’s journal specifically mentions this village, so people were here 5 months ago at least. Even more concerning is the fact that everything seems to be where people left it, as if they just vanished. There are large blasts through the stones, but I can’t pick up on any magical energy. The fort is the only building that didn’t sustain some type of damage, but the doors were open when we approached. 

After exploring it thoroughly, we are making camp inside the library here for the night. It’s in the back right of the fort, relatively easy to defend should we need to, plus it has a large fireplace to keep us warm. Also there are books, and you know how I feel about that. We found some canned food in the kitchens, so we have actual food to look forward to instead of rations.

The hall leading to the dungeons was rather unsettling. There were potions that allowed us to see these odd pumpkin spirits, and I definitely saw a ghost pass through Josef. On the whole though, there was nothing threatening about the fortress. I still set up Alarm and Magic Hut. I don’t wholly trust this place. Elijah did get those damned red flowers for Garren though, so I suppose this side trip hasn’t been a complete waste.

Sorrice says that it’s a wonder I’m still alive since I keep running towards danger. I know you’d agree with him, despite me telling the both of you that trouble finds me, and not the other way around. Well, usually. In this case, I suppose I am somewhat looking for trouble. We had been discussing the merits of going to the Ziggurat to try and disrupt the cultists. Sorrice suggests just scouting the area and not getting into trouble. We’ll see what happens. Knowing my luck, I’ll get outvoted yet again.

Don’t think that just because you’re dead that I’ve forgotten that the one time you voted on something in our group, it was against my plan. Though I suppose you coming with us to Brackenstead and Portcost ended up being a good thing.

Please come back. I miss you, so much.

Goodnight, καρδιά μου.

I love you.

Dorian


	22. Chapter 22

Λιακάδα μου,

We all had that same dream of being together in the study again. Except this time, Valarie was outside, and the Silent Man approached her. He was talking to her, but she couldn’t hear what he said over the rain and thunder. I had thought that she was doing better, but apparently not. I’ll keep a closer eye on her, but I’d appreciate it if you would as well.

We went to Fellfront today. Quite a bit happened actually. We rescued a red dragon wyrmling named Kaiser and found Garren’s mother’s soul. Elijah has it in a special jar designed for holding souls, but I believe he intends to release it once we are off Apoth. At least I hope he is; not even I would do something as barbaric as keeping a trapped soul.

I was quite nervous, as we had to split up in the fortress. The Breastplate is so overwhelmingly powerful that I cannot detect any other magic when I try to sense it. Elijah didn’t tell us what he, Josef, and Valarie saw, but I can tell you that what I saw was enough to make me never want to step foot on Apoth again. Numerous dragon skeletons, still manacled and bolted to the floor, filled one of the rooms. I cannot even begin to imagine what horrors filled their lives. 

I can only hope that their souls eventually find rest. Judging by the amount of them still in Fellfront, I doubt that will be any time soon.

Kaiser was able to shift into his human form before passing out, and so we laid him down by the fire back in the library at Hartenstock. It seemed more prudent to stay somewhere we were already vaguely familiar with, especially as it shields us from the cold. 

I made Valarie take Shadowfell Sage tonight in the hopes that it protects her in her dreams, but we will find out in the morning I suppose.

I hope that if I dream tonight, I see you there.

Goodnight, Cassidy.

I love you.

Dorian


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all, trigger warning for suicidal ideation in this chapter. I've hinted at Dorian's depression in previous letters, but it really comes out full-force in this one. There is a TL;DR plot summary in the end notes if you skip the letter but still want to know what happened.

Λιακάδα μου,

I think I died today. I think we all did.

We were fighting a construct, and it was so bitterly cold, and then I swear there was darkness, and then faint light and Pear appeared. Apparently we’re not done yet; we have some task, some greater role to play. 

I must confess, I don’t know that I’d rather be alive. Yes, there were many things left unfinished, but at the same time the relief of not being here - I try not to think about it. I know you’d be concerned if you were here, if you knew. But, death _is_ a release after all. No more obligations. No more expectations. No more disappointing people who know me. 

Sometimes. Sometimes - in the darkest parts of the night, when my dreams replay your last words to me over and over and over again, when my head is filled with the image of no light behind your beautiful eyes, when I cannot sleep for the guilt that is consuming me - sometimes I think about doing it myself. 

There was a period of a few days, after Elijah found out about my magic for the second-first time, I thought that if I used enough Necromancy, then I’d become a lich and Sorrice would kill me and I could finally atone. The thought of being killed as penance kept me going until we got to the Vile Mire. 

Things were better for a few days, and then - well, then we died today. And the thoughts are back, the thoughts that Pear should have left me dead. That there cannot possibly be any role left for me where I make a difference. We all see what my choices and actions have wrought. Surely it would have been more beneficial for me to stay dead.

I think Elijah would agree with me on that. 

We argued again today, Elijah and I. When we came back, Josef was still dead. I used Necromancy to preserve his body, so that Elijah could bring him back after the fight with the construct was over. He, of course, did not appreciate what I had done. Neither did he have the diamond he needed to actually bring Josef back. Fortunately, I had one. I’ve had it since you died. I can’t help but to think of what could have changed if I had the energy to cast the same spell to preserve your body, or if Elijah had a diamond then. That was much the entirety of our fight - he walks around pretending that he’s so much better than me because his magic is bestowed upon him by a god, and yet he doesn’t have the components he needs to actually cast the spells that only he can cast. I may have implied that it was his fault you are dead - gods know it’s not true, but I was so _angry_ , Cassidy - and now we aren’t speaking to each other. Not that we’ve been speaking to each other much on this trip anyways.

We’re resting now, and I spoke with Sorrice about visiting soon. Kaiser woke up and offered to fly us to Osten, though I also spoke with Kaspar and could _Teleport_ us to the Abjuration tower. Regardless, we’ll be off Apoth in a few hours. Sorrice also told me he’d look into the Ziggurat to ease my mind, but I think he wants us off Apoth as soon as possible too, especially given the Silent Man’s interest in Valarie. He reminded me to make nice with Elijah, something that you no doubt agree with. I’m a bit worried though. There’s no way to hide my eyes and hair. He’s going to know that I’ve started whatever transformation process comes with lichdom. I don’t think I’d mind dying, but it is rather disheartening when it comes at the hands of someone you look up to, in a roundabout sort of way.

I’m so very tired, Cassidy. I just need - well I don’t actually know what I need. 

I love you.

Dorian

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Plot SparkNotes:
> 
> This letter takes place immediately after [Frost](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27503002) and a TPK. 
> 
> We were brought back by Pear, the time-travelling firbolg and my second-least favourite character, and finished the fight with the construct. Before we had died though, the construct ripped our NPC fighter, Josef, in half. Josef was still dead after we resurrected, so Dorian cast Gentle Repose to preserve his body until we finished the fight. Elijah, our cleric, did not have a diamond to cast Revivify, but Dorian did - so Josef is alive and whole again. (Yay!) The diamond issue sparked yet another fight between Dorian and Elijah, where Dorian very heavily implied (okay I mean he almost outright said) that it's Elijah's fault that Cassidy is dead. The last bit of the letter is Dorian saying that they're about to leave Apoth for Sorrice's tower in Osten.
> 
> If you want to read the argument between Elijah and Dorian, check out [Guilt](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28545390).

**Author's Note:**

> If you want more info on Karamore, go check out our campaign Tumblr:  
> karamore-aesthetic.tumblr.com


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